Not Me January!

This has not been a crazy month and the following things could not have possibly happened to me!

At the hairdresser's:

Hairdresser: My hair is crazy today. I didn't have time to fix it before I got called in to work. Isn't it crazy James?

Me: Be careful what you ask my James, he's my honest one.

Hairdresser: Oh, I know it's crazy. Don't you think so James?

James: Well, you look like the Grinch.

Hairdresser: The Grinch?

James: Well, not just your hair, your face looks like the Grinch.

That conversation did not happen right in front of me because I would be dead from mortification right now. Besides, my James is way too sweet to just say whatever pops into his head.


While trying to get Jagger to sleep through the night without pull-ups. Conversation the next morning:

Jagger: Mom, I did it!! I didn't have an accident! Do I get M&M's?

Mom: Yay Jagger! Go potty and then come downstairs and you will get 5 M&M's.

Jagger: Yay!

Jagger goes potty and then comes downstairs to the kitchen.

Mom: Jagger, why did you change your jammies?

Jagger: Cuz. I want my M&M's.

Mom: Okay, just let me go check your other jammies first.

Jagger. No! Wait! Stop! I don't want you to go check. Get me my M&M's.

Mom: Jagger, I know you are lying to me. How about if you tell me the truth I will still give you one M&M for being honest. Now, did you have an accident?

Jagger: No.

Mom: Why did you change your jammies then?

Jagger: Cuz.

Mom: I'm going to check your jammies now.

Jagger goes flying up the stairs in front of me and grabs his WET jammies and sits on them.

I did not die of laughter while my poor child boohooed. Jagger is such a good boy and he would totally be able to sleep without pullups at 3 years old! There is no way this happened in my house...must have been a dream!


There is also no way that I would give up the joy of seeing my son disappointed every morning when he wet the bed and give in and go back to pullups. Nope, not me. I'm way too focused for that. I drive a hard house and I expect my kids to get out of pullups when I say so, not wait until they are ready! I'm sure he's sleeping in underwear and not having any accidents!


The following conversation also did not happen:

Jagger: Mommy I want you to play with me.

Mom: Jagger I'm making your bed right now, you play beside me.

Jagger: I want you to play cars with me.

Mom: Mommies don't play cars.

Jagger: Mommies don't play anything??

Mom: Nope, mommies cook and clean.

Jagger: And daddies sleep and play.

Mom: So true!!

I would never be so anti-feminist and tell my child that mommies only cook and clean so that I didn't have to play cars. And there is no way I would allow my son to believe the absolute truth that man only sleep and play....I mean obviously they eat too. I would never teach my child such things.


My daughter Kaylee did not inform me and show me that she is growing boobies yesterday. She is 9 for goodness sakes! I have at least another 5 years of her being my baby! There is absolutely no way this happened and I wouldn't even believe you if you showed me a video of it...I refuse!!


My son James did not almost rip off the whole tip of his finger yesterday when Jagger accidentally slammed the door on it. There was not blood all over my kitchen, my hands, James' face and soaked into tons of paper towels. Nope, I have a safe home and my children close the door as quiet as possible at all times. Nope, not our house!


I did not take James out of school early, Kaylee out of school early, and round up Jagger and Jimmy so that three of us could go to the eye doctor all the way in Denver only to find out that there was no appointment. My doctor did not go on vacation and the schedulers reschedule everyone EXCEPT US!!! Things like that never happen to me. I have the best luck in the world.


We did not, since we were already out of school, decide to play hooky and go to the Children's Museum for the rest of the day instead of bringing our kids back to school. Nope, not us! That would have been way too much fun!


I did not get a letter saying that my daughter has missed too much school this year (Colorado only allows 10 excused and unexcused absences combined...and they even count the minutes the child is gone for a doctor's appt!). I was not told that I would have to have a letter for every absence and that I needed to come in and talk to the attendance clerk. Nope, not my family. We are never sick and never have doctor's appts and never, I mean NEVER, miss school! Wrong child...sorry!


I am not sucking at this saving money crap and wanting to go out to eat all the time! Nope, not me. I am a steadfast and brilliant saver. I know that the money we are putting away is for future projects and I am not secretly wishing everyday that I could go get it out so I could go on a vacation without my children instead. Nope, I'm loving every saving minute!


I did not watch my husband play football with my kids in the kitchen. They would never do that. I was also not right that it would end badly when Kaylee ripped the end of her toe open and gushed puddles OF blood all over my kitchen floor. Nope, moms are never right when they say not to play football in the kitchen. Besides, dads would never allow that to happen. You've totally got the wrong family!


I don't know who is writing this post and who all of these things happened to....but I can tell you...it WAS NOT ME!!