Penis Envy

Or not!

Ok...so this post is a bit TMI but it's so funny I can't pass it up. I do have the better judgement to at least not use it as an article!

My boys are not circumcised. James was not circumcised in Russia and when we brought him home we decided not to do it at that age (1) and I am not a big fan anyways. So, when Jagger came along, we just opted not to do him either.

When you are not circumcised it can take up to age 7 before you can pull the foreskin back.

Jagger pulled his back last night. And apparently it was not ready to be pulled back because it was so tight it couldn't go back to the original position. In other words, his foreskin was strangling his penis!.

I took him to the doctor, with a very swollen man part, this morning. She pulled his pants down, looked up close and had no idea what to do. She called in another doctor, who also pulled his pants down, got up close with the first doctor and mom to explain how it all started and we had a right little chat over Jagger's business. Nothing was figured out and we were sent to the ER at Denver Children's immediately

We were expected and welcomed at the Children's and we got right down to business. Jagger was stripped and put into a gown and then it was all hands on deck (hahahahahaaaa) again. We needed to get the swelling down so we could put everything back together. Apparently the very scientific medical way to do that is to wet the penis and then sprinkle sugar all over it. With the sugar packets from the cafeteria, this is what we did. People...I could not make this stuff up! Even the very hot young male nurse who was in the room was trying his darndest not to laugh.

Then we needed to sedate Jagger so he would not have horrible penile nightmares. They gave him stuff that is sort of like Valium, or vodka..whichever you've tried. He got so loopy. He was like a drunk sailor. He kept lifting things up in his hand and then his hand would fall and he would giggle uncontrollably. He was slurring all of his words. I would have been on the floor with laughter except I had to keep holding on to Jagger because he was falling all over the place and not laying down letting the sugar get to work.

Once Jagger was as loopy as he was going to get the nurses came in and pulled the foreskin back over his swollen penis. He screamed. Poor man...it hurt. When it was all done I told him that his penis was normal again. He wanted to sit up and see so I sat him up and he yelled "my penis is back" and then promptly fell into his own lap.

We were kept for another 30 minutes so he could test run the new penis with a pee. We also had to make sure he could walk normally. He was determined to be up and around and just kept bouncing from wall to wall. He dropped a toy at one point and went to pick it up..but he was still in the skies and the momentum didn't stop until he hit the floor. A drunk sailor...it's the only description that fits.

As we left the hospital we had to walk through the security lobby where two officers were sitting. Jagger stopped. He wobbled a bit. I explained he was still a little woozy. Jagger looks at the men then yells "I got my penis back" and then feels well enough to keep walking.

Oh the day I've had.

Little man is alright now...mommy may need a drink or two to move on....